A-Z of me "B" is for Birth Trauma

Not the happiest of topics I'm afraid but one that has coloured the last six years of my life. When we decided to try for our first baby, things were rosy. We were lucky to conceive straight away. The pregnancy was, in hindsight, the easiest of all of mine and we looked forward to becoming a family. I read all the books, I watched all the programmes and I spent a lot of time on a great parenting forum. I knew all the things that could go wrong and that thought that yes, I was fully prepared.

Wrong. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of what happened as, frankly, it still makes me cry just thinking about it. If however, you are interested, there's a link here to my rather unarticulate, babyfogged birth story My First Birth Story

Barely conscious for her first feed

What I want to talk about is the way I felt afterwards and the way I still feel now. At  the time, I closed everything off. I was upset about the way things happened but was determined to move on. I forced away all of the bad feelings and refused to think about them. They'd resurface when friends had babies and showed me their pictures. Mum and dad smiling together with their baby (my husband wasn't there), baby's first feed (I was unconscious for this), bringing baby home (my baby was snatched out of my arms the second I arrived home). All this sort of thing.

It wasn't until I was about 10 weeks pregnant with my second baby that it hit me. And it hit me like a truck.  I sobbed, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't do anything, go anywhere, the housework went to pot and I was terrified. I just couldn't face the same thing happening again. I went for my scan at the hospital and burst into tears walking past the postnatal ward. I was an emotional wreck.

The problem with birth trauma is that people don't really understand unless they've been there. I felt guilty because my baby was alive and well but these memories still haunted me. I felt like I had no right to feel the way I felt because I got to take my baby home. I can't really tell you what I was scared of exactly but there was a cloud of dread all around me. I struggled to get it all out because I found no one would just listen. People always saw it as some sort of competition that they had to win "I had the worst birth" Why would anyone want that trophy?? I just wanted to talk it all through. It wasn't the c-section. It was EVERYTHING.

My midwife, Diane was fantastic, she talked me through everything and I started to feel better. The forum girls were fantastic too. There were people there who had been through similar and were experiencing the same sort of thing.

It's not just confined to traumatic births. Women can feel this way even if everything went right. Childbirth is such a shock to your system that sometimes, even if all is well, it takes a lot of getting used to. If you know someone who is struggling with their experience, please be patient. They may want to talk, they may want to cry but they may just want a cuddle.

It can happen to men too. Imagine how powerless you'd feel, only being able to watch. Spare a thought for the birth partners who may need to talk but don't want to burden their partner/friend.

Most hospitals offer a post-birth listening service where a qualified midwife will sit down with you and your notes and talk it all over, offering counsel and support.

As for me, my second daughter arrived without incident and I felt like an amazon. I was so utterly relieved. It was such a positive experience that I was certain my troubles were behind me. However, 36 weeks into my third pregnancy, I was admitted for monitoring. Whilst I was there, the emergency alarm went off. Now, I don't even remember hearing the alarm when I had Olivia, but I know it sounded because my dad told me. It knocked me sick. I physically heaved. When I went in (15 days overdue!) to have my little boy, I was wheeled to theatre as a precaution while they broke my waters. I started to shake uncontrollably and I cried - there was no thought first, the tears and shakes just came. Funny how your subconscious just takes over.

Hardly the image of a proud new mum

I thought I was fine, I thought I was over it. Clearly I'm not and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't think about it every day like I used to but I still can't read the story. It's always there, lurking, trying to catch me out. It's a part of me now and has a lot to answer for. That first experience means I'll never get the homebirth I long for. There are no happy smiley first hours photos and worst of all is that I never really bonded properly with my baby. I love her so much it hurts but I fear there will always be a gulf between us that I can never fill because of how I felt when she was born. She deserves better and I hope to God she NEVER feels that chasm. I'm disgusted that when she looks at the photos from when she was born, there's no smiles of joy or happy cuddles. Just an exhausted, traumatised mother. I look like I couldn't give a shit, but that's just not true. I honestly just could not process everything that had happened and fathom how to take care of a newborn.

It has got easier as time goes on, but I don't think I'll ever be free of my demons. Thank you for reading if you got this far x

I actually posed for this. I remember trying to look like the reverent new mum should look.  I obviously didn't have it in me.

The first photo of me smiling with my daughter. 8 weeks old